“What is past is not dead; it is not even past. We cut ourselves off from it; we pretend to be strangers.”

So begins Patterns of Childhood—Christa Wolf’s semi-autobiographical novel of self-discovery about coming to grips with a troubled past. Wolf imagines the child we carry always within us, and the emotional pain we feel because the child is now inaccessible to us as adults, separated from us by the many years and hampered by unreliable memory.  

The child, she says, was “abandoned by the adult who slipped out of her.” The adult left the child behind, pushed aside, forgotten, suppressed, denied, remade, falsified, spoiled and neglected, was ashamed and proud of her, loved her . . . and hated her.

“Now, in spite of all impossibility,” Wolf dares to venture, “the adult wishes to make the child’s acquaintance.”

In psychotherapy we speak of getting in touch with our “inner child” or “child within.” We seek to rescue and heal it by “reparenting” it.

We reparent the child within us by searching for, discovering, listening and responding to it in ways it longs to be acknowledged, understood and cared for. Through contact and conversation it has wisdom to share with us about how we think and feel about ourselves today. And how we think and feel about ourselves influences our behaviour in relationships with others, at work and at home, both positively and negatively.

German psychotherapist Stefanie Stahl is the author of the bestselling book Das Kind in dir muss Heimat finden: Der Schlüssel zur Lösung (fast) aller Probleme [The child in you wants to find a home: the key to solving (almost) all problems]. In English translation it is published as The Child in You: The Breakthrough Method for Bringing Out Your Authentic Self.

Stahl also hosts the podcast Stahl aber herzlich—der Psychotherapie Podcast, in which she demonstrates inner child psychotherapy in conversations with actual clients.

You can watch an interview with Stefanie Stahl about her book here in German. And here in English.

Stahl focuses on the experiences of both the shadow child [Schattenkind] and sun child [Sonnenkind] with regard to basic needs within us for relationship, autonomy and control, pleasure and absence of pain, self-worth, acceptance, respect, and appreciation. The needs also for safety or sanctuary to find our voices and feel heard and understood (e.g., Roberts 2022).

The shadow child and the sun child in us each has its own unique experiences and ongoing needs that we can learn from as adults.

Stahl talks about core beliefs [Glaubenssätze] we associate with the shadow child and sun child and repeat to ourselves as adults. Repetition of such core belief statements about ourselves as “I’m good enough” or “I’m not good enough” are key to how we think and feel about ourselves as we age.

Core belief statements are formulated by the stories we tell ourselves about our lives. Such core stories might be called our “narrative identity.”

I recall the narrative identity of a patient I once cared for. This elderly woman described herself to me in terms of her childhood. She recalled the joy she experienced of belonging to her family, and of being recognized in the small town where she grew up as one of “the McLean kids.” Then she said to me, “I’m the last of the McLean kids.” By this she meant to express the loneliness and grief of being the youngest of her siblings who was now the last to die. As she was dying she reached back over the years to take the hand of the inner child within her, and then let it go (Mundle 2018).

I recall additional significant moments in my clinical practice when I’ve asked others what they needed most from their mom or dad when they were growing up. These kinds of needs can also shape our narrative identity. Sometimes without words. I recall the tears that flowed in response to this question. 

Reflections

What did you need most from your mom or dad?

You might take a moment also to recall a special memory from your childhood of joyful play.

Is there a beloved Fairy Tale you remember reading or having read to you as a child? You might reread it to yourself now and consider how its meaning for you has changed or evolved for you over your life (Randall et al 2022).

I think also of Peter Handke’s poem—Song from Childhood [Lied vom Kindsein]. It’s the nostalgic and playful sing-song poem that filmmaker Wim Wenders used in the opening scenes of Wings of Desire [Der Himmel über Berlin], with its evocative repetition of Als das Kind Kind war—when the child was a child . . . 

Als das Kind Kind war . . .

When the child was a child

It walked with its arms swinging,

wanted the brook to be a river,

the river to be a torrent,

and this puddle to be the sea.

When the child was a child,

it didn’t know that it was a child,

everything was soulful,

and all souls were one.

———

Handke, P. Song of childhood [Lied vom Kindsein]

https://www.babelmatrix.org/works/de/Handke%2C_Peter-1942/Lied_Vom_Kindsein/en/42791-Song_of_Childhood

Mundle, R. (2018) How to be an even better listener: A practical guide for hospice and palliative care volunteers. London and Philadelphia: JKP.

Randall, W., Lewis, B., and Achenbaum, W. (2022) Fairy tale wisdom: Stories for the second half of life. Elder Press.

Roberts, S. L. (2022) Sanctuary. Illustrated by A. Heyman. Friesen Press.

Stahl, S. (2015) Das Kind in Dir muss Heimat finden: Der Schlüssel zur Lösung (fast) aller Probleme. München: Kailash Verlag.

Stahl, S. (2020) The Child in You: The Breakthrough Method for Bringing Out Your Authentic Self. Translated by Elisabeth Lauffer. New York: Penguin.

Wenders, W. and Peter Handke: Der Himmel über Berlin. Ein Filmbuch. 1. Auflage. Suhrkamp, Frankfurt am Main 1987.

Wolf, C. (1980) Patterns of Childhood. New York: Noonday. Originally published in German as Kindheitsmuster. Berlin and Weimar: Aufbau-Verlag, 1976.